Why?

So I got a phone call at 9am today from the assistant department coordinator from school - that's never a good sign. My friend, colleague and self proclaimed "dad at school" died on Friday night of a massive heart attack - I am crushed. "Stans" was the kindest, most gentle man you could ever dream of meeting. In his mid-fifties, he still LOVED what he did every day, and the students and faculty alike all benefitted from this. I was honored to teach inclusion classes with him, and know that for the rest of my teaching career I will always use the term "Pigknuckle Arkansas" in honor of him. Since I heard the news I just keep having flashes of the classes that I've taught with him over the years, and of our last few days of school together. I am frustrated that I cannot pinpoint the last thing I said to him on Friday - does it matter? Could it have changed anything? While I know in my head it couldn't, I just feel in my heart like this isn't happening. This can't be real. When I go to school on Monday, Stans will still be in his classroom right next door to me, welcoming me as he has done every day with a smile and commentary on the plight of the Phillies and Eagles. I hurt for his family. I hurt for myself. I hurt for the number of students who will be devastated to learn of his passing, and wonder how, if it all, I will be able to comfort them while grieving myself. Why do things like this happen? I wish life could be simple, as it is for my three year old. She saw me crying today and asked what was wrong. I told her that Mommy's friend from school died. She, of course, being the loving, caring child she is became quite concerned and said, "Don't worry Mommy - you can make new friends, just like Shark did." Not sure what movie she was referring to, but how innocent she is! Right now I just want to kick and scream - I don't want to make new friends, I just want Stans to be back and healthy and vibrant as always. These next weeks are going to be very difficult at school, and I just can't help but bring it all back to the question "why?"
RIP Stans, you will be missed and loved always and your lessons will live on not just in your students but in all of us who have had the honor of knowing you and working with you.

Is it always better the second time around?

So, I spent last night vegged in front of the tv for the first time in a long time (and not watching the political world either!) In a nice contrast to my race away from thirty, I was faced last night with my "youth" - Beverly Hills 90210 was BACK! Yes!!! This is what women my age have been waiting for, right? Who did Dylan finally end up with? What color will Donna's hair be? Will Brenda and Kelly ever be friends again? You get the gist - important questions of life that needed to be answered... Well, I was highly disappointed! Just another teen drama with too-skinny girls, too much money, teenage drinking, drugs, sex, etc - as a high school teacher, nothing I sadly don't see on a very frequent basis. It got me thinking about second chances. Are they always worth it? I'm not so sure.... Think about it, sequels are VERY rarely as good as the original (something someone should have told Sylvester Stallone - stop after the original Rocky!) Why do we always feel the need to top an already good thing? But I think some things in life deserve a second chance, but how do you know what? What relationship do you forge ahead with, forgiving the past, and maybe not forgetting, but trying to bury? What student do you give your trust to, yet again, after they have disappointed you? Maybe there is something to be said for second chances. I know friends who are remarried would strongly believe in the concept. What does it take for a success the second time around? I've figured this out so far - don't set your expectations high. I went into last night hoping, somehow, to be zapped back to my teenage years in my parents basement, fighting with my sisters, but somehow managing to all get along for that hour on Thursday night when we got to see how the "other half" lived. I was hoping to see that Brenda and Dylan had settled down with a family (I was always a Brenda/Dylan fan, NOT a Kelly/Dylan fan) and that David and Donna were still happily married. Any maybe that Steve and Janet had a nice family and he was a successful stay at home dad (not nearly enough of them in the news these days, aside from Sarah Palin's DH!). Because of these expectations, I feel like I lost two hours of my life. Instead of watching for what it was, mindless brain-numbing tv, I hoped and expected, and was left feeling disappointed. I'm taking this as a life lesson. Don't expect more than you should of people who are not close to you. Sure, set the bar high for your children because you know what they can do - however be realistic and be sure that the bar you set is the one they want to work for. As a high school teacher, I decided, after last night's tv disaster, to let my students lead the way this year. I will NOT expect them to be perfect, happy to be in school EVERY day, alert, atentive, hardworking, etc. I will expect them to be normal teenagers, and I will expect myself to find good in each and every one of them. And while everything in the world may not deserve a second chance, I still believe that our kids do. So that is my personal goal this year - to never give up on any of my "kids" and to see the potential they all have - even if it takes several "second chances!" So yes, in education, second chances are very much worth it - I should know - I remember getting quite a few when I was young, and I consider myself pretty successful, so they must have paid off afterall! However, 90210 should probably have stayed a memory of the 90s - acid washed jeans and the Peach Pit serving pie - not lattes!

Is it really JUST a Number?

Ok, so 30.... is it really just a number? This question is getting closer and closer to the front of my mind as it looms just 9 short months away.... that's how long a healthy pregnancy takes (I should know, I've done that twice!) Seriously, by the time I could have another baby, I will be 30 - the big three-oh.... but is it really just a number, or is it three decades of my life? If so, what does it say about me? Who am I? Ok, I started as a daughter - still am, luckily, to the greatest parents a girl could ask for. I also filled the role as little sister from day one, then a few years down the road I became big sister - still am filling those roles, so I guess so far, so good. Friend... yep, still have a few of those where I fit the bill. Ok, so far - daughter...check, sister...check, friend...check. Another box I can fit myself into is that of teacher - high school Social Studies teacher to be specific. Next came the role of wife - gotta love that one! My poor Irish hubby, sometimes getting lost in the shuffle that I call my life, but still there for me no matter what. Then perhaps came my most important role - mother. I became a mother over three years ago, and was blessed with the role again nearly a year ago, and I think my daughters would give me the thumbs up on that one - at least on the days where I allow ice cream for breakfast ;-) Here's where the confusion sets in.... in three decades, shouldn't I have figured out just how all of these roles make me who I am? Well guess what... I really have no clue! For now, I'm blaming Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin - easy cop out, I know! I am such a supporter of Hillary Clinton - my girls and I went canvassing for her in the Spring, to rallies, etc - only to have to watch her gracefully accept defeat - with tears in my eyes I had to realize that MY role model had not succeeded all the way to the top - is it possible that I am not succeeding in fulfilling all of my roles in life? Enter Sarah Palin - YAY another woman who may possibly make history - sure, I don't really agree with what she stands for, but maybe, just maybe, a good role model to show my girls that that glass ceiling doesn't exist for them. And then it starts. "She should be home with her family." "Her children need her." "A woman can't give 100% to both her family and her career." That's the one that gets me the most. If that last quote is true, then who am I shortchanging by being a working mom? Are my girls lacking because I work? Are my students not getting the fulfilling education they deserve because I watch Max & Ruby at nighttime with Niamh and Eilis? This is what has prompted me to start my blog - a blog of my own self discovery, where hopefully I will show myself that a woman CAN do it all, and CAN be successful - and that woman will be ME - yikes! I have just 9 months until I hit the elusive 30 - and I hope by then I will have some more clarity on my roles and duties - or at least I'll have one helluva hangover to remember! Instead of making 30 a number, I want it to mean something to me - I want my 30th birthday to show me that women really have advanced since 100 years ago, and I hope that when my girls are facing their 30th birthdays they don't have the same confusion that I have now, keeping me awake this night before the first day of school! So read along with me, as I hope to take one life lesson a day to prove to myself, my girls, female doubters and others that women can give of themselves in more than one role in life, and no one has to suffer (well, ok, maybe my husband is suffering a bit, but he's a man - he's had his chance in the world handed to him on a silver platter, right?!)